


Hollow Ships

by RatFlavored



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Disturbing Themes, Eruri important but not a happy ending, Horror, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Horror, Suspense, Unreliable Narrator, super fun sailing time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-05 20:50:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6722866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatFlavored/pseuds/RatFlavored
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The titans are gone. To fill a void, the 104th head out on their last expedition to explore the ocean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I would stand immortally at Sea, Hoping for eternity at Sea

**Author's Note:**

> _If the beauty of truth were quick,_   
>  _I would stand immortally at Sea,_   
>  _Gazing for eternity at Sea_
> 
>  
> 
> _Eternity At Sea - by Annie Cordelia Adams_
> 
>  
> 
> I took a short break from writing some other things in order to do something a little different. After this short introduction, things start to get more interesting. 
> 
> Enjoy.

The titans were gone. All of them. 

At first Armin felt victory. Blissful, painful, satisfying victory. 

And then there was a nothing. A vacuum. Before, there was a vast valley of purpose, filled to the brim with blood. Now the war against the titans was over and Armin ached with emptiness.

Since he was fifteen he had trained to fight the titans. Now that it was over, what did he do with his life now? 

The ocean, he had whispered to Eren. They could see the ocean now. Once they reached it, he saw another void. Just like it was described in the books, the water stretched wide toward the horizon. A bottomless, dark, open mouth. He couldn’t see the the end. There was nothing on the surface but white waves slicing against grey water. 

The ocean didn’t fill the hollowness. 

They all just stood there in silence. Just watching the waves. Not everyone was here. 

Eren spoke first. “Well, what's on the other side?” 

“What _is_ on the other side?” Hanji tilted her head to the side to look at Eren, a smile slipping across her face. A new frontier. There was still something to accomplish. A light waited on the other side of the ocean. 

So the scouts headed back. 

\---

It was Erwin’s idea to lead the expedition. Expedition 91. They were going to survey what was beyond the sea. Although the threat of titans was gone, there was still much to do beyond the walls. People were expanding civilization. There was a spike in birth rate and new towns were rising. Farms were cultivating crops feed the hungry population. There were plenty of jobs that veterans could have done, but nothing left anyone satisfied. 

Erwin only asked the 104th. They were all young soldiers who still needed direction.

“Nope.” Connie was the first to speak, raising his glass and taking a sip after his answer. Erwin decided to ask informally, gathering the group at a bar. The expedition was to be personally funded by him, since the government was more concerned about domestic issues than exploration. 

“Understandable. If anyone does not want to be involved for whatever reason, that is up to them.” Erwin regarded Connie with a respectful nod and straightened his back, placing both hands on the table. “You have all worked hard and have earned the right to lead a peaceful civilian life. If that is the path you want to follow, you have my blessing.” He paused for a moment, individually making eye contact with each person in the group. “But if you still yearn for something bigger to fight for, to discover, then consider my offer.” 

Erwin stood, followed by Hanji, and then Levi, who downed a half glass of whiskey before the three of them left. 

As soon as they were out of the bar, the group began talking immediately. 

“So you’re not going to go?” Eren asked.

“No, I wanna stay here.” Connie explained with a half smile. “All that water freaks me out a little. It’s so deep. I couldn’t imagine being surrounded by it.” 

“But what about the prospect of finding something new?” Armin asked, leaning forward on his elbows. “You’re not curious about someplace we haven't discovered yet? You don’t want to know what's out there?”

“I want to know.” Mikasa’s voice was soft, but firm. “What if there are more people?” 

“Exactly.” Eren’s smile was excited. There was a spark in his expression, in his eyes. Armin hadn’t seen him like this in a long time. It was refreshing. A raven spreading its wings when winter thawed. “I wanna go. Who else is with us?” 

Armin was the only one who raised his hand.

\---

It took a couple days, but eventually Jean came around. 

“What changed your mind?” Armin asked as he flipped through a book. There were so many he wanted to take with him, but his focus was on astronomy and cartography. Although Erwin only expected them as crew, Armin wanted to contribute more. 

“I can’t let Eren go and have all the fun.” Jean leaned back in the wooden chair, tipping the front two legs into the air. He shouldn’t be doing that in the library. “There's nothing for me to do here anymore. I mean, it’s all done. The titans are gone.”

Armin added the book to the pile he was making and reached for another. “What about the military police?”

Jean shook his head and folded his arms. “That's not- I don’t want to do that. That's not what I want anymore, not for a long time.” 

“Well, there's a new limit, if you can call it that.” A closed lipped smile worked it’s way over Armin’s face. He was anxious and thrilled about the prospect of searching the ocean for something foreign. “It seems limitless. The ocean.”

“What if there's nothing on the other side?” The chair legs hit the ground with a thump. “What if it's just endless water?” 

Armin rose a brow. “Then we’ll go out as far as we can, then turn around.” Erwin wouldn’t steer them into danger. Not when humanity’s sake was no longer on the line. 

“That's what Sasha is afraid of.” Jean shrugged. “She told me she had a bad feeling about this whole thing. She told me not to do it. All that emptiness…” 

“It can’t be completely empty.” Armin reached for another book, keeping his tone casual. “Are you worried about it?”

“No.” Jean’s answer came too quickly and he crossed his arms again. “Even if I was, it’s nothing compared to titans.” 

\---

It took weeks to build the ship. It wasn’t too big, seven fit comfortably. There was a wide main deck. On one end there was a modest captain’s cabin, and on the other end were the crews cabin. Four beds were enough to accommodate, since Levi and Hanji each got their own private quarters below deck in the hold. Hanji needed space for research, and Levi just needed his own space. 

After construction came practice. They constructed a small dock and sailed along the shoreline. The first few times were shaky, since all they had to learn from were books, but eventually they were really doing it. 

Sailing. 

Erwin was at the helm, steering the boat as the rest of the crew adjusted sails and fiddled with compasses. Armin practiced drawing the shoreline on a piece of thin stretched white leather. 

Calluses grew on his palms from pulling in the sails, the rope rough on his skin. They crept along the shore, yet he yearned for the ship to turn and for the tide to pull them to sea. They were brushing their fingertips along the unexplored.

Armin loved the wind in his hair, the smell of salt and freedom. 

Underneath that was a lingering sense of worry. It was just the fear of the unknown, he kept telling himself, telling the others. They didn’t know what was out there, or what was underneath the waves. 

When he leaned over the side of the boat and peered into the depth, he couldn’t see the bottom. Just empty shadows. 

\---

It was six months since Erwin first proposed the expedition and now they were ready to go. There were a group of people lined up at the gates to watch them leave. In the months following the discovery of the ocean, a string of tiny settlements stretched toward the sea. The shoreline was only an hours walk from the nearest village.

Connie and Sasha were there to wave them off, Sasha’s shaky smile was unnerving. 

After unloading the last of the supplies, the group boarded the ship, climbing up a rope ladder on the side. Hanji was the first to head up, the most excited of the group, followed by Erwin, then Levi and the rest.

The loose sails flapped empty in the wind. The sky was grey and threatening rain, but there was a good rush of wind that would easily take them out to sea. They pulled the sails tight.

“Goodbye land.” Jean mumbled as the wind caught the sails and began to move the boat. 

“Are you gonna get seasick?” Eren nudged him with his elbow and Jean nudged back harder, causing him to wince. 

“No.” 

Armin exchanged a look with Mikasa and they both rolled their eyes. “Three months of this.” He brought a small smile to her face. 

“Three months of babysitting children.” Levi muttered. They weren’t children any longer, but Armin took the insult as a term of endearment at this point. 

Erwin wore smirk at the helm, close enough to hear them. He seemed to be amused in his choice of crew. Although there was banter, they all worked well together through a bond of trust. 

His eyes were on the horizon, but Armin’s turned to shore, watching as green land became smaller and smaller. A sliver on the skyline. The sea was surrounding them, sweeping, swallowing them whole.


	2. For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're here for the Eruri tag, its present in this chapter and continues for the rest of the fic, but it's not a happy ending. Just a heads up. Thanks chhharl for beta reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,_  
>  The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,  
> The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,  
> While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring; 
> 
>  
> 
> \- Except from _“O Captain! My Captain!”_ by Walt Whitman

It began with the chill. It was their first day out, and it crept upon them as soon as the last bit of land slipped away into the horizon. Armin was watching the sliver of green disappear when he heard Hanji flick the silver stick attached to the wood wall outside of the captain's cabin. 

“This things broken…” He heard her mumble. Her head swiveled to Armin, a hand gestured him over. “Does it feel like one degree to you?”

Armin’s face scrunched in confusion and he approached the thermometer. The mercury was low and resting at one degree Celsius. He was wearing a loose white shirt and felt fine. “It must be leaking. I don’t know how to fix it.” 

Hanji flicked the thermometer again, “Damn.” Armin could see a puff of white from her breath. He raised a hand to his face and breathed into it. It was barely there, but he saw a wisp of white.

“Hanji, I can see my breath.” 

“Oh?” She mimicked the action, cupping her hand to her mouth to see her own breath. “I don’t feel cold.” Her tone only portrayed mild concern. “Well, so long as we’re all comfortable there doesn’t seem to be harm in this reaction. Unless it’s neurological damage...” Hanji unhooked the thermometer from the wall and took it with her as she descended into the hull of the ship, presumably to her quarters. 

\---

No one else seemed to notice the cold. They only noticed the calluses that were beginning to form on their hands. The ones from the grip on the maneuver gear were starting to wear away and new ones were beginning to develop. 

“Check it out. “ Jean opened his palm for Armin to examine. There was a row of red marks in his grip. “It’s probably from working the sails. Your turn tomorrow.” Jean seemed proud, unafraid of hard work. Maybe he missed being useful. 

Armin looked at his own hand, the only mark to be seen was an indent on his finger from holding a pen. The rotation allowed for each crew member to do different jobs daily to gain experience, and his day of manual labor was tomorrow. Today was his free day, which he spent entirely on mapping. 

The next day of pulling salt dried rope and adjusting the sails went slowly, and by dusk his shoulders felt bunched and achey. 

At evening the crew gathered around a table set up on deck. A few candles were lit, and the orange evening sun chopped and reflected off the dark blue ocean. 

“You’re already red, Mikasa.” Eren joked over dinner, chicken cooked in a wooden stove. She touched her own cheek and winced. The midday sun had burned her face and nose. Keeping a lookout in the crow’s nest seemed like an easy job, but not when the sun was cruelly bright.

“Tomorrow I’m working the night shift, so that will help.” 

The evening shifted to night and Armin remained at the dinner table with his map, a caliper, a sextant, and a pen before him. His eyes lifted as he examined the stars, quickly finding the familiar constellations and noting a few new ones. Not long ago, he used the constellations to guide troops through titan infested lands, traveling while the giants slept. After the titans were defeated, the stars had little purpose but to decorate the sky. 

The sound of the sea was new, but calming. The quiet lapping of water against the wooden boat soothed the uneasy feeling he had since the boat had been completely surrounded by water. The ocean was calm, and the wind was light. 

Armin set down his pen and went to the railing, leaning on his elbows to watch the water. It was black, splintered with silver light from the full moon. The breeze ruffled through his hair. Maybe he could learn to call this home. Maybe the endless sea could fill up whatever empty chasm he felt in his chest. 

\---

The next morning, Armin sat at the table for breakfast. A mist had settled over the waves, the overcast white sky had made everything look bright. His shift in the crow's nest would not be easy. 

His fingertips brushed over something strange on the wood of the table as he reached for his fork. There was a groove carved into the wood. Maybe it was a mistake, a slip of a pocket knife or something. 

The next day he noticed another scratch next to the first. And the next day he noticed a third. Someone was counting days, but when he asked who was doing it no one fessed up.

“It’s not like we’re going to throw you overboard. I’m just curious why the table and not like, a piece of paper or something.” Armin asked Eren as they washed the grime of the day away, a wet rag in a bowl of fresh water. Armin ran the rag across the back of his neck, calming his red skin. 

“I didn’t do it.” Eren shook his head, “I’d say so if I did. I also don’t know who did it.” 

“Sorry,” from the tight expression on Eren’s face, Armin could tell he was irritated. “I don’t mean to bug you about it. It's just weird that no one is being honest.” Armin didn’t like feeling as if he couldn’t trust someone. Weren’t they all honest with each other, even about little things? Armin felt a connection with everyone on the ship. 

“Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t worry about it.” Eren heaved a sigh and ran a hand through his dark, damp hair. “Sorry, I’m just sore after cleaning the whole ship.” He hooked an arm under his elbow to pull at his shoulder, offering Armin a small smile. “I haven’t cleaned like that since the old castle. Remember that?” 

Armin gave a tight smile. 

\---

A week passed by. 

At night Armin saw shadows. 

He’d watch the small window that showed the deck from inside the crew quarters. Everyone was sleeping except for the person on night watch at the helm. Tonight it was Mikasa. He could make out her outline from where he was. Her form was illuminated from behind by a single candle. 

It was a full moon and he could see dark shadows flitting across the deck. Sometimes they moved fast, and sometimes they were slower, lingering. Twice, Armin got up to check the sails. It must be a loose sail. It had to be something moving like a rope, or clouds, or birds. But every night had been clear, everything was securely tied, and there were no birds. He hadn’t seen a bird in days. 

Mikasa couldn’t be the cause of what he saw. Her form stood still, no reaction. Eren snored softly while Armin’s eyes were wide open, glued to the little square window and the shadows that fluttered along the deck of the ship.

Something passed by closer this time, completely obscuring the view of the deck. Armin held his breath, heart pounding in his ears. He wanted to say something, alert the others, but all he could do was stare at the shadowed cabin window. His muscles began to hurt from keeping so still. How long was it going to linger? What was the figure doing? 

Jean stirred in his sleep and rolled to his side. The shadow finally slipped away and Armin let his lungs shakily exhale. Armin spent the night awake wondering if it was his mind playing tricks on him or if what he saw was real. 

\---

“Commander Erwin?”

It took Erwin a moment to respond, his gaze focused on the horizon. “Hm?” He didn’t spare Armin a glance, his eyes steadily tracing the edge of the ocean. It was strange to see him like this, so concentrated on something yet so disconnected. There was something funny about the way he was staring. Erwin’s blue eyes were glassed over, pupils skipping across the horizon and back again. 

“I saw something last night.” Armin fiddled with the pen in his hand. It was mid-morning when he decided he should tell their captain. “Technically I’ve seen it a couple nights, but I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not...”

“What did you see?” Erwin’s brows dipped down, his chin drifting toward Armin’s direction to show he was listening. Armin glanced to the horizon, unsure what Erwin was so fixated upon. It was deserted, nothing but grey-blue sky. 

The commander’s eyes kept moving as if he was tracking something.

Armin hesitated, still half convinced he had imagined it all. “I... I saw shadows, sir.”

Erwin’s eyes finally found him. “Shadows? Where?”

Armin suddenly felt silly, like he was telling his grandfather about a scary dream he had. “On the deck. I saw them from the crew cabin window-”

“Ah, a sail must have gotten loose. We’ll begin double checking them in the evening from now on. It wouldn’t be good to have them loose.” 

“I swear it wasn’t a sail, sir.” Armin winced internally as he explained. He felt like an idiot. Maybe it was a hallucination from lack of sleep. Or maybe he was just delusional. 

“Did Mikasa see anything? She was the night watch last night, so if anything was loose, she would have seen it.” Erwin scanned the horizon again and Armin had a feeling if he continued to speak, Erwin would stop responding.

\---

“I didn’t see shadows,” Mikasa stared down into a cup of water, bags under her eyes. She was headed to nap soon after lunch. “But I did see something.” 

“What? What did you see?” Armin leaned in, elbows on the table and she leaned back. Finally, validation for what he had been seeing. 

Mikasa frowned and her fingers clenched around the cup. Her fingertips were pale. “I saw you.” 

Armin froze. There was no way. “Me? I was in bed the whole time. I barely slept-”

“You were wandering around the ship for a while.” Her shoulders pulled inward, tense. “I told you to go back to sleep, but you wouldn't go back to the cabin…” She trailed off. 

Armin shook his head. This couldn’t have been real. Armin had never slept walked in his life. “What happened? Did I say anything?” 

“No.” Mikasa answered quickly. “You just wouldn’t go back.” 

Something sour sat in the pit of his stomach, but he didn’t press her. Mikasa was an old friend, and he could tell when she was lying, but he also knew not to push too far. Not when she looked so unnerved. It would only cause her to clam up further. He let her get up and leave to the cabin. 

\---

It was Armin’s turn as the night watch. With a small candle lit behind him, he kept his gaze forward toward the bow of the ship, allowing his eyes to adjust to the low light to keep watch on the horizon. The boat’s movements were slowed when it grew dark, but the risk of a midnight storm required someone to remain awake. Armin scanned the sky, before turning toward the deck. He needed to find out what the shadows were. 

The ship was noisy with creaking wood, but he heard a faint knocking sound. _Tap tap tap._

Where was that coming from? Fear paralyzed him from moving for a moment. Why was he afraid of shadows? He had fought towering, blood-soaked titans. He took a deep breath and stood. _Tap tap tap._

Armin stood and peered over the quarter deck to see Levi knocking on the captain’s door. 

Another set of short knocks. _Tap tap tap._ “Erwin, let me in.” Levi spoke lowly but loud enough to be heard on the other side of the door. Levi’s hands clenched, but his expression was neutral. “I know you’re not sleeping.” 

Was this…? A blush rose on Armin’s cheeks and he began to retreat, not wanting to intrude on something private. Everyone knew there was something going on between them, but no one had direct proof. Armin didn’t hear the door open though, only silence. 

“Erwin,” Levi’s voice was softer now. Worried. Hurt. Armin had never heard this tone from him before. There was a sigh. “If something is wrong, tell me.” There was no reply. 

Armin heard hesitant footsteps disappear below deck. 

\---

There were no shadows. The morning light raised like a curtain. 

There was a new mark on the table, nine total. The creaking of the ship sounded louder as Armin sat for breakfast.

At the end of the table sat Erwin and Levi across from each other. Levi sipped some lukewarm tea and Erwin wrote notes in his log. Although silence between them was usual, Armin kept an eye on them. Was there really something up with Erwin, or was it just a tiff between them? Levi kept glancing at Erwin. 

Armin saw Erwin look up toward Levi once, and then out to sea, scanning the vacant horizon again. He was always looking toward the horizon. Levi was always looking at him. 

\---

“So uh, your hair.” Jean looked out of the cabin window from his top bunk. Armin sighed internally. This was about to be an awkward conversation. 

“What about it?” Mikasa played with the end of a few dark strands as she sat up, cross legged on her bed. She hadn’t cut it since the war ended and it began to grow long. Now it was more dull and dry than usual from the salt water. 

“It’s pretty…” Jean hesitated and Armin felt a twinge of secondhand embarrassment. “Long. It’s gotten pretty long.” 

“Yes, it’s gotten long.” Mikasa’s reply was short. Although Jean had known Mikasa for a couple years now, he still hadn’t figured out that she wasn’t one for small talk. Armin shifted on his bed, flipping a page of his book to appear distracted. Eren was in the bunk above him, whittling a piece of wood. 

Jean leaned over the side of his upper bunk to talk to her. “Are you gonna cut it again?” 

“Probably. I had been letting it grow out, but then we started sailing.” She examined the end of a few strands, checking for split ends. “I wasn’t planning on having any more adventures.” 

“No? I mean, that makes sense. I kind of figured you came along for Eren.” Jean stated and Eren’s knife paused and he looked up, interested in Mikasa’s reply. 

“You’re mostly right. But it’s fine. I don’t mind.” There wasn’t a hint of malice or resentment in her tone. 

“What were your plans if he didn’t want to do this exploration thing?” 

“I’m not sure. Maybe start a family with someone.” Mikasa stated simply. Armin looked at her over the top of his book. He had no idea she wanted something like that, but of course she did. She didn’t have a family of her own, so she wanted to create one. 

“I’ve always kind of wanted that too, even when there didn’t seem to be hope for the future.” Jean had rolled to his back again, staring at the wooden ceiling of the cabin. Armin knew that there was a deeper side to him, Jean rarely showed it. “It would be nice to come home to a kid or two and a wife that I could dote on. It would be nice to have something stable. Something to be proud of.” 

Something that wasn’t soaked in blood or betrayal. In the end, none of the soldiers were proud of what they’d done, even if the war was over and they were heroes. 

“You know…” Jean paused for a moment before continuing, his voice more quiet and unsure. “When we get back, if you wanted to, I wouldn’t mind doing that.” he stumbled again. “With you.” 

Armin’s stomach twisted in empathy. Mikasa frowned down at the palms of her hands, resting in her lap. The silence was painful, until it was broken by her soft sigh. 

There was rustling from Jean’s bunk. “I get it.” His feet hit the floor with a thump as he jumped off. He took the lit kerosene lamp hooked to the wall. “It’s not a big deal. It’s fine if you don’t feel the same way, it really is, but I want to say this.” He raised his hands in surrender, the lamp looped around his thumb lit half of his face. “It’s hard to get close to _any_ of you guys.” Jean’s mouth was a thin line. “You’re always together and it’s like you’re on a different plane of existence, and if I don’t talk first then conversations just don’t happen.”

Armin felt guilty. He set his book aside and opened his mouth to reply, but Jean continued. “I know you’ve been through shit I haven’t but I thought that maybe going through a war together would kind of make us friends, but I don’t even know about that. No one’s talked to me in four days and it sucks.”

Jean swallowed a lump and turned to the door. “I’m not trying to be whiny, I’m just saying that there's still these walls up. Sometimes I feel like I’m on this ship alone.” 

The door swung open and closed as Jean left, taking the light with him. 

\---

Armin found Jean the next night leaning against the rails of the ship, watching black water drift by. The moon was new, which was a odd since it should be half moon according to lunar cycles, but Armin wanted to use the opportunity to get a better view of the night sky. 

“Help me plot the stars.” 

Jean shrugged at the offer, but pushed off the rail and followed Armin to the ship's deck table. There were new marks carved into the wood, but Armin had stopped counting. Instead, he spread his map and equipment. Jean immediately reached for the complex sextant, looking it over. 

“I’ll look through that, and I’ll tell you where to place the stars, alright?” 

“Sure.” Jean handed over the device and reached for the pen instead, dipping it in ink. 

Armin lined up the sextant and looked through, then pointed at the map. “Here.” 

Jean made a mark. “Hey, I’m sorry for flying off the handle the other night.” 

“It’s fine.” Armin replied, looking away from the stars. Jean was grimacing at the table. “If no one talked to me for days for no reason, I would be upset too.” 

“Yeah, but I feel like I was being a big baby about it.”

“You weren’t. I’ve had some things on my mind lately, so if I’ve been quiet toward you, I apologize.” 

“It’s fine. We’re cool.” 

Armin adjusted a setting on the sextant. “I consider us friends.” 

Jean let a smile slip at that. “That's good to hear.” 

Armin pointed his finger at the map again to indicate a star but caught something. “Wait. Something is off.” The location was different than the other night. He examined the sextant again. 

“I know the three of us are hard to get close to,” Armin realigned the tool with the sky. “But out of everyone, you're the closest.” 

Jean huffed out a laugh, “I don’t know. Eren and I butt heads a lot.” 

The star was still out of place. They all were by just a fraction. Armin gently took the pen from Jean’s hand to make a note in the margins. They seemed to be moving apart. “That's just his personality. Trust me, we all like you.” Armin looked up at Jean and offered a half smile, “And don’t worry about Mikasa, she's just kind of… frigid.” 

It hit Armin how much he missed hearing him laugh when a chuckle shook Jean’s shoulders.

\---

It happened when Armin was at his calm, sprawled across the deck with his hands behind his head. Watching the ocean or the clouds drift across the sky on his day off. One minute he was thinking about what was for dinner, and then his hometown as a child. The next he had images of smashed buildings, screams of people being torn in half, a town that had been overrun a week prior, seeing a man’s half eaten body draped over a street curb, the side of his face bruised with pooled blood and flies coming and going from his partially open mouth teeming with larvae, his eyes wide open with fear- 

A voice called him. “Armin.” Eren’s face was rotten, pale cheeks sagging and eyes rimmed pink. His black mouth stretched open in a scream-

“Armin!” He took a deep breath and blinked hard, finally seeing Eren as he actually was, leaning over him with a concerned look. Eren looked normal, but worried. “Armin? Are you okay?” 

He felt like he had just run ten miles. Armin sat up and put a hand over his chest to feel his heart racing. Sweat beaded across his brow and down the back of his neck. “I’m fine.” His chest clenched and he took another deep breath to keep his lungs working. “Just had a bad dream.” 

Eren frowned even deeper. “You weren’t sleeping.” Armin looked down at the ship’s deck. A hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed. “Look, if you ever want to talk about anything…” 

“I’m fine.” He was the last person they needed worry about, especially Eren. His experiences were mild compared to what Eren and Mikasa had been through. Armin couldn’t even think about explaining to Eren how he had daytime nightmares about rotting corpses. Eren had been through enough already and didn’t need to be reminded of any more.

“Well if you do, I’m here.” Eren nodded.

Armin forced a smile. He knew it didn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you.” 

\---

Armin didn't’ let his gaze linger on anyone too long for a couple days. Their faces would slowly start to contort and he shifted his eyes away. The grooves on the table grew in number as the days began to drift together. 

As much as he tried, Armin was having a hard time finding a second home in the ship. It was more and more feeling like a prison that he couldn’t escape from. Everything around him was endless, the sky, the ocean, but the ship was so confining. He leaned on the railing again, watching the waves and listening to the creaking ship sounds. The wood ticking lowly and squeaking as the ocean rocked back and forth. It was like he was inside of a living thing. Sounded like cracking bones- Armin shook his head and blocked out the thought.

Maybe he did need to talk to someone. If it wasn’t Eren, then maybe Mikasa, or Jean. 

Armin turned to lift up from the railing and saw Erwin next to him. He was looking at the sea again. 

“Commander-” 

“What if there's nothing out there?” 

Armin’s mouth hung open. Erwin was doubting their expedition? _Was he doubting himself?_ The sound of the waves was deafening. 

Erwin closed his eyes and shook his head, smiling to himself as if he thought it was funny. Without a word, he left to his captain’s quarters. 

\---

Armin woke to a cracking noise. A bang? He sat up and swung his feet over the side of his bed, finding Jean, Mikasa, and Eren were doing the same. “What was that? Was that the hull?” Armin tried to process what the sound could have come from. Did they hit something? He didn’t feel anything, but the noise had been loud. Jean lit the lamp and was the first out of the cabin door, the others in tow. 

Levi was already on the main deck and opening the door to the captain’s quarters and holding a lamp in the other hand. He disappeared inside, leaving the door swinging open. Was the sound from Erwin? Armin heard Levi’s lamp clatter to the ground. 

Dread sat in the pit of Armin’s stomach as they approached the door. Armin saw the back of Erwin, sitting in his chair slumped over his desk. From behind, it looked like he had just fallen asleep over paperwork. Levi’s hands shook as he touched Erwin’s shoulder, then the side of his head, fingertips coming away red. 

Hanji pushed through the group at the doorway and stopped in her tracks when she saw the scene. Levi’s expression was blank as he stared at his hand, rubbing the blood between his fingers and thumb. Hanji took him by his shoulders and maneuver him out of the way to better get to Erwin. She pushed on a shoulder to move him to his side, revealing the nasty wound to Erwin’s head. 

A gun clattered to the floor. 

Behind him, Armin could feel Mikasa moving Eren away. He didn’t need to see this. 

“Fuck.” Hanji murmured, as she took in the situation. Levi took a step toward Erwin again but she blocked him, unbuttoning Erwin’s bloodstained shirt to get to his chest. She leaned down and placed an ear over his left side. 

“Fuck.” She repeated, louder. “Fuck.” She stood and took a step back and covered her mouth. 

Levi approached Erwin again, looking lost. He cupped Erwin’s jaw, a thumb running wetly over his bloody cheekbone. 

Armin felt sick.

\---

_Bury me at sea_

The note was painfully minimal, allowing no space for closure. The letters were shaky, Erwin’s handwriting was never as good with his left hand. 

Everyone claimed they had no idea why Erwin shot himself, except Levi, who Armin hadn’t heard speak since finding him. Armin was sure that they all had known something was wrong, but no one wanted to admit that they knew anything. 

The body was wrapped in a sheet and laid in Erwin’s bed, his hand placed over his heart in a salute. It felt wrong to bury him immediately. It was wrong to let go. The whole ship felt awry. The light of the morning did little to displace the feeling of loss and disorientation. Their leader was gone. 

Armin found himself leaning against the railing again, eyes cast downward toward the grey waves cutting against eachother. They had all been affected by the war against the titans, but he didn’t realize how deeply Erwin was suffering. That cavernous emptiness that was inside all of them swallowed him whole. Should they turn around now? 

“We keep going.” Hanji announced as they grouped up in mid-morning. 

“Without him?” Jean shook his head. He looked pale. 

“Yes. He would have wanted that.” Hanji’s eyes were red, but her tone was firm. Levi was nowhere to be seen. “We’ll bury him at sea.” _He also wanted that._

Armin felt his throat tighten up as he spoke. “His final command.” 

\---

The next evening, Hanji laid Erwin out on the deck near the railing. The clouds were blocking the sun, casting an unusual yellow-green glow over the water. 

It felt unreal. 

Erwin had led them through the war, had been there when Armin had accomplished his dream of seeing the ocean. Armin remembered how Erwin had rolled up his pant legs and stepped into the ocean with confidence, his youthful excitement causing crows feet to crinkle the edges of his eyes. 

Hanji had undone some of the sheet to reveal Erwin’s face, now pale with death. Levi wrapped Erwin’s head with a piece of an old shirt, covering the open wound. Armin refused to let himself think about it for too long. He didn’t want the last sight of his respected commander to be warped too. 

Eren stood next to him, jaw tight. Mikasa squeezed Eren’s hand as they watched Levi undo the bolo tie from around Erwin’s neck and shove it into his pocket. 

An uneasy silence fell over the group as they stood around Erwin’s body. 

Armin used to think Erwin was god-like. Indestructible. He seemed so self assured. He always had a plan. It was something that Armin greatly admired. Then he lost his arm and Armin realized how human Erwin was, and it made him respect him all the more. He felt a tear slide down his cheek.

“We need to say something.” Hanji’s voice was low and strained. 

Jean took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “After Erwin led us through the war, I didn’t think I’d lose another friend-”

“Aha- haha.” 

Five heads whipped around to look at the source of laughter. 

Levi. 

He chuckled, his eyebrows raised in mirth but his hands were clenched. Armin’s eyes widened as Levi’s laughing grew louder. 

“Levi.” 

Levi doubled over as he began to lose it. The crew watched him, astonished and horrified as he managed to straighten up again. 

The yellow-green sunlight cast upon Levi’s face made him look jaundiced as he waved them off, a smile plastered across his face as he left and headed to his quarters. The slamming door shook the deck under their feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _But O heart! heart! heart!_  
>  O the bleeding drops of red,  
> Where on the deck my Captain lies,  
> Fallen cold and dead. 
> 
>  
> 
> \- Except from “O Captain! My Captain!” by Walt Whitman


End file.
